Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
