All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
