I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I didn't notice because vodka
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
