I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I still have a little drunk in my system
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
