Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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