My cat gives me a boner
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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