I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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