Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
