a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
