i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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