My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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