when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Floor bacon is actually really good
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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