I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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