forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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