The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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