pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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