I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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