i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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