Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
