4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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