one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
