i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
