im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
