She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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