I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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