those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
