Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
