i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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