the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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