I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
