I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
