I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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