Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
