dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
