Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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