First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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