I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
