so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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