Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
