guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
