Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
