listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
