Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
