So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
