Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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