I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
