Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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