I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
