I hate your face
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
