I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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