noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think my moral compass just broke
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
