His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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